No weirdos.

How to Fire a Minion

Actually, you don't want to fire your minions. The infuriating hero's office down the street gives out unemployment benefits to people who have been fired, and we certainly wouldn't want to make the hero look any more heroic that he already seems to be. Here are the best ways to get rid of an overseer, minion, or underling you can't stand.

1. Have an elite squad of secret ninjas ready at all times. Instruct your best ninjas to "take care" of anyone you don't like, or anyone who seems to be gaining too much popularity with the masses. (Problem solved.)

2. Can't afford the squad of ninjas because the hero just destroyed your latest gadget? Never fear, we have... other... ways of bumping off employees. Simply make your underlings miserable, and eventually they'll quit on their own.

3. There is a risk that a disgruntled minion will join the hero's side once they quit working for you, so you must be prepared. (Really, #1 is the best option.) You can also throw your ex-minion into the deeps of your dungeons, and leave them there to rot. There is a slim chance your minion will escape, but if you have been diligent in not allowing him to make friends with anyone, he won't have anywhere to go. Meanwhile, throw a huge party for the underlings you will be retaining, calling it a 'farewell party' for Minion #1. Everyone will simply think Minion has already left, and will proceed to feast on roast boar and beer. By the next morning, no one will remember the reason for the party, and they'll be completely loyal to you. (As if, of course, they weren't already.)

4. Risk: Hero may infiltrate defenses during party. Cancel party.

5. The easiest way to fire a minion is to shove him into a bonfire, or show him to a room with an expert firing squad. However, this is not good for PR with the rest of the minions, so you'll want to be discreet. If you aren't going for good Public Relations and instead want to rule simply by fear, this may be the best option for you! (And meanwhile, you'll get to have the roast boar and beer yourself.) Ahhh... it's good to be the Evil Overlord!

How to Make a Dr. Who Scarf

For those of you who watch Doctor Who, I found a great link to how to knit the scarves from the Tom Baker years. Since the Doctor is (of course) one of my colleagues, I found myself unable to resist sharing this link. Go here for instructions, and wear your new scarf with a pride and a profound sense of geektastic-ness!

My Boss is the Offspring of Satan... Oh Wait, That's Me

What do you do when you suspect your boss may be the offspring of Satan?

There's only one logical course of action.

Quit.

And then, find a new job... ASAP.
You have bills to pay.

But at least you aren't being used, abused, harassed, and discriminated against anymore.

Go you.

Source: 48 Days to the Work You Love by Dan Miller. See Chapter 5, Article "My Boss is Satan's Offspring." Yes, it's really there.

true story

The following is a true conversation I overheard from my employees at work. (Names have not been released, employees in question were summarily dealt with.)

Underling: I need something to make this shelf fit. Do we have a metal stretcher?
Minion: Yeah, check Evil Overlord's office, it should be next to the torture rack.

(Ghostwriter's Note: No underlings or minions were harmed beyond endurance in the making of this blog post.)

Thank you, no.

Sometimes, the stuff your boss does simply makes you want to ralph during your lunch break. Here are some simple yet creative ways to deal with such a situation without having to visit the porcelain.

1) If your boss is trying to get under your skin, your job is to refuse to play this power game by not letting things get to you. "Oh well" is a good attitude to take. Continue to excel at your work performance, and don't let your boss push you around emotionally.

2) Sometimes, it's appropriate to let your Emperor--I mean, employer--be consumed by blue Force lightning and fall down a dark hole. Like, for example, when he demands your firstborn or is intent on turning your son to the Dark Side. (I've never had to resort to this myself, but I have a friend who went through it once.)

3) Always have a contingency plan. If you can't stand your day job, look elsewhere in the meantime. That way, when your boss is making life suck for no apparent reason, you can politely inform him that you've found something else and quit. (Note: Make sure you actually do have a new job before you quit your old one. Low dough is better than no dough, and the rent on evil lairs is getting darned expensive.)

Being the Boss

Since I have had the opportunity to be a terrible boss as well as have one, I may be overqualified on this subject... but, here goes.

How to Be an Evil Employer

1. Give your employees crappy hours until they quit. That way, you won't have to give them unemployment benefits!

2. Make sure that they know they are expendable. Feeding them to a rancor may not be a good idea, since you can get sued for that nowadays, but keeping them worried about their position will be beneficial to you. You'll get their best efforts in hopes that they won't be fired, and you can chuckle in satisfaction after you fire them anyway.

3. After you have already written the work schedule and posted it in the employee break room, change the schedule without telling your employees and blame them for being late.

4. Put cookies in the break room, and when they have all been eaten, fly into a rage and berate your employees for eating them. They were yours-- what were they thinking, eating YOUR cookies?

5. Befriend your employees on the Book of Faces, snoop through all their personal info, and then de-friend them.

6. Treat your employees unfairly. Your favorite employee can do no wrong, no matter what. Everyone else is in the wrong, no matter what.

7. Treat everyone fairly. Why terrorize just one person when you can mistreat all your employees?

8. Change the rules on a whim. Tell your underlings how things are supposed to be, and when they follow your orders, tell them they were doing it wrong. Repeat cycle.

9. Overwork your best employees. Underwork your worst employees. This will create an amazing level of employee dissatisfaction and provide you with the best of dramatic entertainment.

10. Don't let anyone take a vacation. Alternately, if you must give them vacation time, make their lives miserable during one week before and one week after their vacation.

11. Don't pay your employees. Alternately, if you can't pull this off, either give them terrible pay or make it really difficult for them to get their paychecks. (Make up silly rules regarding paychecks: only you can hand them out, on a certain day, during a certain hour, and you'll be conveniently gone during that time...)

12. Make yourself scarce. You'll be too busy with your plans for world domination to listen to anyone. Instead, make everyone talk to one of your idiot underlings. This will frustrate your employees very nicely.

13. Watch the original Star Wars (TM) trilogy for tips on handling underlings. Darth Vader's use of the Force chokehold is particularly effective.

14. Refer to Peter's Evil Overlord List as often as possible.