Being the Boss

Since I have had the opportunity to be a terrible boss as well as have one, I may be overqualified on this subject... but, here goes.

How to Be an Evil Employer

1. Give your employees crappy hours until they quit. That way, you won't have to give them unemployment benefits!

2. Make sure that they know they are expendable. Feeding them to a rancor may not be a good idea, since you can get sued for that nowadays, but keeping them worried about their position will be beneficial to you. You'll get their best efforts in hopes that they won't be fired, and you can chuckle in satisfaction after you fire them anyway.

3. After you have already written the work schedule and posted it in the employee break room, change the schedule without telling your employees and blame them for being late.

4. Put cookies in the break room, and when they have all been eaten, fly into a rage and berate your employees for eating them. They were yours-- what were they thinking, eating YOUR cookies?

5. Befriend your employees on the Book of Faces, snoop through all their personal info, and then de-friend them.

6. Treat your employees unfairly. Your favorite employee can do no wrong, no matter what. Everyone else is in the wrong, no matter what.

7. Treat everyone fairly. Why terrorize just one person when you can mistreat all your employees?

8. Change the rules on a whim. Tell your underlings how things are supposed to be, and when they follow your orders, tell them they were doing it wrong. Repeat cycle.

9. Overwork your best employees. Underwork your worst employees. This will create an amazing level of employee dissatisfaction and provide you with the best of dramatic entertainment.

10. Don't let anyone take a vacation. Alternately, if you must give them vacation time, make their lives miserable during one week before and one week after their vacation.

11. Don't pay your employees. Alternately, if you can't pull this off, either give them terrible pay or make it really difficult for them to get their paychecks. (Make up silly rules regarding paychecks: only you can hand them out, on a certain day, during a certain hour, and you'll be conveniently gone during that time...)

12. Make yourself scarce. You'll be too busy with your plans for world domination to listen to anyone. Instead, make everyone talk to one of your idiot underlings. This will frustrate your employees very nicely.

13. Watch the original Star Wars (TM) trilogy for tips on handling underlings. Darth Vader's use of the Force chokehold is particularly effective.

14. Refer to Peter's Evil Overlord List as often as possible.